Silent Battles

Assalamualaikum and hi!

Today we supposed to continue the presentation. Since we had a lot of free time(lecturer was not around) so we decided to take the time for the presentation. I was scared to death when Zahirah told me that I wouldbe the next person to present. Yes, she saw my name since she was in the front row in class. Immediately, I went to the toilet to get off my nervous and also my waste products haha. My estimation was, when I got back to class I would be able to present right away. Of course not, I spent too much time at the toilet.

In the toilet ... 

I went out and washed my faced at the sink. It has been a long time since the morning that I did not see the mirror. I have this anti-looking-at-the-mirror thing. I thought there would be nothing special to look at my face. My face is not like the other people, flawless and white and smooth except chubby. Even I am not attracted to look at my own face. So, I just kept washing the face when a nurse came in. I guessed i was wrong but she kept looking at my face. It was embarrassing for stranger to do that. I fasten my scarf and put on tudung quickly, hoping the suffocating feeling went away but suddenly she asked me,

SHE   :  What did you put on your face?

ME    :  You mean, cream?

SHE   : Anything

ME    : I consume pills from Sinar Permata. It has been three months, this monthis the last one.

SHE   : Did it work?

ME    : Not really. But slowly yes it is.

SHE   : You should try aloe vera. I know as a woman, of course flawless face is all that we need, these days. But, be careful of what you consumed. Be picky. Make sure it worth the long term of your life. Please do not put on those creams, either cheap or expensive. You will see the result when as you are aging but of course you dont want to regret it. Treat your inner body first. I know, as a woman, we treasure our face a lot. Since these days, people are being skeptical to those who arent flawless, life is hard but have a beautiful effort. 

Well, all I could do is ... SIGH. 

It is not like i am not trying but I tried a lot. I spent a lot of money in this. I dont know if this is kind of puberty hit or genetic one or what. Since 18, I have been treating my face the way it should be but seems like it does not side me much. When i was in school, my face is okay, quite flawless and I could brag about it the whole day long but now, I dont even want to have a look at the mirror. Since then, I keep questioning myself;

- What could it be? Food-consuming? But back then, i was consuming the same thing!

- Genetic? All the family members are doing well. Instead, they wonder why my face is like this. They even thought I was a dirty person who didnt take care of hygiene. I even lead the simplest life the hell was that???

-False product? Well, i do consume a few products back then, since 18 i used Skinz, Garnier, Fair and Lovely, Safi Balkis and the latest one, The Body Shop. Among these, The Body Shop suits me the most. But i have to stop it because people around me keep saying that all i must do is repair my inner first. 

Inner which means my inner organs and body system, not that spiritual innerself or what not. hahaha 

I was so bored with this till i want to say this, i dont even care anymore, I dont care if my face is flawless or not. This is me and if you are troubled with my face, then fuck off. I dont need someone who literally judging my face and my outer self to be around. This is my silent battle and you are just one of those people who come and go in my life. Even if you stay, I need to know the reason and if you dont, I dont even bothered. My silent battle is something that should not be known by the others even if you are damn close to me. If I dont feel comfortable with you I wont share. Let me do the battle with peace. I am just so sick with these.